Character VS. Magic Mike

The movie Magic Mike is a big hit with the ladies. But admittedly when I saw parts of it I felt sick to my stomach. I thought, 'is that really what women find attractive? I am none of these things.' I am not nearly as ripped as that dude, I've got body hair that is confronting to say the least and though I would like to think that given a lifetime to learn I could, I can't dance and I am not an exhibitionist. Sure, I can speak eloquently and I have a good sense of humour, but outside of that what do I have to offer? This isn't self-deprecation, just a simple a question how we measure ourselves. By whom and what do we measure off of?
I wonder when the day comes when a woman decides she'd like to be with me will it be because I have changed physically, or whether I will be judged on my whole being and my love for her? The dilemma of men with no magic.


I wrote a post a few days ago about how women in our culture should be encouraged to see themselves as beautiful and not worry about being sexy. As a man I felt it was appropriate to talk about the other side of this. As women typically are sensitive to whether or not people see them as beautiful, men seem to have a similar question.

Where women ask: 'Do I look beautiful?'
Men ask: 'Do I look powerful?'

The honest reaction some men have to that question, though they may never admit it to another soul, is a defeated 'no'. The problem being that they seem to equate physical strength as the only strength that matters. I challenge that idea with another: strength is an attribute of character, not physical aptitude. As it is with women, our culture and advertisements are usually aimed towards a man's most obvious insecurity: his strength.

There seems to be a false correlation made between physical appearance and strength of character. If you see a man overweight in the street, the immediate judgement is to assume he has a character flaw of laziness or cowardice; a weakness.

Hear me right, I have nothing against physical fitness, but I do believe that steroid use, especially in young men, could be connected with this belief.
Think of this scenario, you train harder and harder, every time consistently seeing results and improving your physical appearance then one day those results stop suddenly. You want to get bigger, cut more fat and gain more muscle mass but your body won't go any further in your quest to be more attractive. You start to age, and it's harder to maintain the body you want. Someone offers you a drug that will help you get to the next level or maintain your current one, do you take it?

It seems sometimes we are willing to ignore certain realities to get to the level fantasy when it comes to appearances. Even to the point where the people who matter have absolutely no problem with how we look, we want to take it further to make ourselves feel better. That is insecurity.

Strength is character. Insecurity is a weakness in character. The strength in our character is found in integrity, composure and steadfastness. To find this strength we need to face and master our mortality. Not in the sense that we become reckless thrill-seekers looking for new ways to endanger our lives, but by being purposeful with our limited time on earth.

When our muscles shrivel and our joints cease and we look back upon our lives, what will we see? Will it be self-indulgence and desperate insecurity? Or will we know that we have come into this world and marked it in some way for the better?
The great truth that every man must know about strength is that we were born with it. We were born to endure, to press on and fight. We simply need to turn our eyes inward and find it.

We all have what it takes. Don't settle for a counterfeit strength.

Beautiful VS. Sexy

Let me start with what is at first an incendiary statement: women were never meant to be sexy.

I understand that I will probably cop a bit from this post on a couple of fronts: one from being a man talking about women and the other for being a 'prude' or attempting to shame a woman's sexual freedom. I feel however, that this needs to be said and who says it is irrelevant. This is not a negative message by any means.

I hear the word 'sexy' a lot. I read it a lot. In fact, I would put money on it that I hear or read the word at least four times a day.
It has become a throw-away word. One that more often than not simply means good-looking and not even really about sexuality. I have heard people refer to furniture, cars and jewellery as sexy, and it is a bit of a head-scratcher. The worst offenders seem to be reality-show judges; specifically ones that have dancing and singing. Every time I watch those shows it seems the only adjective they know is 'sexy'. It is enough to make someone throw a thesaurus at the TV. It is hard as someone who isn't familiar with the craft on show to differentiate. All the girls are sexy. All the dancers are sexy. They're all good-looking. They're all the same.

But I digress. This isn't about vocabulary, it is about perception.

From time to time a magazine is left in the lunch-room at work. Occasionally I will look through them when the desperation to break the boredom is too much. You needn't look past the front cover to see that appearances matter a lot to some of these magazines. If you are considered 'sexy' in these magazines it is a great achievement and you are splashed over multiple pages. The reverse seems to also be true; if you are caught without make-up (guilty) you are paraded on the front cover.

I understand the scrutiny is a little different for celebrities than people with normal renown, but understand that a celebrity is simply a well-know figure. If it was you or I that were in the spotlight, the scrutiny would be just as harsh.

I don't understand the emphasis on trying to be sexy. I don't understand why women need to try to be sexy for the sake of others approval. Why are you a prude if you decide to dress modestly? This seems upside to me; surely the woman who doesn't need to use her sexuality is the more secure. Surely a woman can be considered and praised without having a low-cut top or a see-through dress.

I believe in our culture too much emphasis is put on looking 'sexy' and not nearly enough is put on being beautiful. Sexuality has a place in identity and self-esteem; but not as its founder and not as its definer. Sexual desire comes and goes in an instant. It is not a foundation on which to build your self-image off of.

Being 'sexy' is temporary at best, but you can be beautiful. That is the key difference, beauty is a state, an identity and not a label.

Some people in our culture seem to believe that by exposing more of a woman's body makes them more accepting of themselves. I strongly disagree. If something is truly valuable, you keep it protected and you keep it safe. You keep it for someone who is going to be responsible for its safe-keeping and truly appreciates the beauty of the entire being.

Being a creative person, I look for the inspiring, the profound and the beautiful. I believe I have an idea what beauty is and arousal is a tiny part of it. Being beautiful is more than just physical appearance, it's personality, character and spirit. It's all encompassing. It is the way a woman carries herself. She makes you believe she is beautiful because she believes it. 

You are beautiful. Believe it.



Addendum: Men deal with this issue also, but in a different way with a different outcome.

Do We Need Dignity?

I am not typically one who pays attention to what is socially acceptable. It probably would be fair to say that I have no natural awareness of social convention. I laugh loudly and bang my hands on the table in quiet restaurants. I miss subtle social cues like if someone offers to pay for you should decline first, then when they insist, you can accept. Also in the reverse situation where I offer and they decline, I don't insist. You would think I would be embarrassed a lot, but in my blissful ignorance it is usually family or friends that get embarrassed on my behalf.

Seems to me like a lot of unspoken expectation. So why is it that we do these things? For the sake of keeping up appearances. How we are viewed by other people seems to have found its way to cultural importance. In some instances that is a good thing, we need people in our lives with their finger on our pulse keeping us accountable to our actions. On the other hand, in can be a source of insecurity, withdrawal and shame. We want to be respected and honoured by the people around us, this is in essence what dignity is: to be honoured and respected. However, there are people whose respect you will never gain.

I am always thinking about God's relationship with us; it has no barriers and there is no deception, he sees us for how we truly are. We are completely exposed and vulnerable when we are truly in relationship with God. So that would make me think that dignity is a human invention. What can we hide from a person who knows everything there is to know? What respect could we hope to gain from someone who created the universe?

Dance how you want to dance. Be loud if you want to. Most importantly be yourself, because that is who God created you to be. Unique and unashamed of it. Dignity is for the proud.

Saviour. Preacher. Purity. Perfection.

Do I meet Your inspection?
My pain for Your perfection?
Such a deal
I should be laughing but I'm crying
In this sickness I should be dying
I keep believing that You're lying
And this is a cheap trick.
I'm buying up tickets to the next show of crickets
Who chirp in the silence of the crowd
Witnessing violence in the guise of love.
Oh, but my comfort is that is important
I'm the victim distorted
A man of two minds and two lives
With two wives and two eyes and no action...
Please grant me this bittersweet confession
Let my life be a lesson
My burden become their blessing
Let my 'yes' be their 'no'
My test be their growth
Their heights be achieved off my lows...


For every path I chose
In every victory I let you know
A seed by you was sown
That said: 'Let His name be known
Through every school and home
A name that sits on high
A fiery, golden throne
A man also God died
To set our captive free.'
My teacher, my friend
Who's hell was told by all
Thank you...
Thank you for being honest about your fall
Our hidden king, our noble saviour
Will carry your body through golden halls
And you shall be, shall know, shall love...
Forevermore.

Hidden From Grace

If shame had a visual representation I would liken it to a frail old man carrying a boulder on his back up a steep hill. So weighed down by the massive rock that his feet sunk deep into the mud; so much so that every step is an agonising balancing act to stop himself from falling backwards and having to start the journey again. As a Christian and a person I have a tendency to take on unnecessary shame. I also have the tendency to hide it all; justified and unjustified.

One thing I am learning little by little is that the shame we hide is the shame that God wants to free us from. Grace does not clean us up on the outside just so we can remain rusted on the inside. We should hide nothing before God because to Him we are the righteousness of His son.
However, for whatever reason I attempt to repent without giving everything over. If I was to believe the full condemnation of my conscience I would be a prideful, raping, slandering, lying thief that values his own needs above everyone elses. For a time I did believe all of those things about myself and I would attempt to repent without giving that shame over; without putting it before God to judge. Putting yourself in the light to be judged is what true repentance is.

Though we know that we are saved by grace, this vulnerability and surrender is crucial. We say, 'God, You are the Lord of my life. You decide my innocence.' We will be found innocent every time as long as we believe that Jesus died covered in our sin and rose again. We cannot have our innocence proven until we lay down our guilt and shame.

'Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me has everlasting life.'
- John 6:47

Pretending your shame doesn't exist is not grace. It is the same as denying you're weakness and expecting it to make you strong. This is why I believe people get trapped in sin. Men who get trapped in pornography have a perception that they are creeps. They are so ashamed that that becomes their identity and they can't break from that pattern because the shame is so heavy that they have trouble confessing it even before God. I have seen girls while I was in highschool who make one mistake and sleep with a guy from their class and get branded a 'whore' or a 'slut' for the rest of their school life. Most of them continue to sleep around because the weight of the shame they feel forces them into an identity they never wanted.

Shame creates an identity, but so does grace. The world's attempt to curb the identity of shame is acceptance. They attempt to normalise our shame but all it does is distort the original intention of our creation. In grace and grace alone is our true identity hidden. When I give over all of the shame that I am harbouring I find something incredible: my true self. Without God we are lost. We lose who we are because who we made to be were people who were in relationship with Him. Within grace, our old self dies and we find our new selves, our true selves and the person that God always intended!

The most fulfilling relationship you'll ever have is one of complete openess with God.

'But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain...'

- 1 Corinthians 15:10

I Am Not A Bride

The title of this post may have seemed more than a little bizarre, but it will all make sense in a moment. Recently I have been struggling with a particular theological analogy. This particular analogy seems to be something that a lot of men struggle with at some point or another due to it being often mentioned during a preach, in worship and just in the church in general. If you haven't guessed yet, I am talking about the 'Bride' analogy in a lot of the old testament and some of the new testament. These scriptures are generally the ones that refer to either Israel or the church as a bride.

The problem that men face aren't the scriptures themselves; in the scriptures the writers are clear to discern that they are using marriage as an analogy. An analogy is something that shares certain traits with the subject or concept you are trying to explain; they share a likeness but not all traits. This is where I think men start to feel uncomfortable. The reason the scribes of the bible use these marriage and wedding analogies and allagory is because marriage, the act of a man and a woman becoming one, is the closest thing to the intensity and unity of relationship we experience in Christ.
The pursuit, fervour and intimacy that God has in relationship with us can only be best described by using the most intimate human relationship we know. We are becoming one with Christ. The 'we' is important also, because Jesus' bride is the church, not any single person, but the body of believers. We are all parts of the body, not the body itself. Israel was a people, not an individual, so once again, God is using this imagery to show the intensity of his relationship with his people.

Where most men get confused, and where I certainly found myself uncomfortable, is when people started to refer to their relationship with Jesus as a 'romance'. I believe most men get caught on this word in worship, in books and in preaching because to us romance conotates going to a movie, perhaps faking a yawn to put your arm around a girl and leaning in for a kiss. So when the image of Jesus romancing his bride comes up, a man wonders if he is the female in that relationship and his mind probably goes to some concerning prison imagery... maybe that one is just me.

There are also men who feel uncomfortable with 'falling in love with God' or Jesus as it may vary. This I do not as personally identify with, but I do understand. The kind of love that is exerted in a marriage and infinitely more in our relationship with God is a decisive, relentless and longsuffering love that is not based on feelings. 'Loving' someone is not that same as being 'in love' with someone. Being 'in love' has an emotional base and therefore is privy to going in the opposite direction. It is harder to maintain because it has the propensity to fade or be motivated in the other direction. 'Falling in love' also once again conotates a romantic or sexual aspect to a relationship; one that men feel is ill-suited to the one they have with Christ and God.

Most men, and I am doing my best not to generalise here, are very protective of their sexuality. To them, sexuality has no place in their relationship with Jesus. Sex is a gift from God meant to make marriage stand above any other human relationship both in intimacy and unification between husband and wife. With Jesus and men being of the same gender, well, it's obvious why men would feel uncomfortable worshipping to 'Jesus you hold me close and whisper to me' or why they would not want to be compared to 'a bride waiting on her wedding bed'. With some worship songs around you could even replace Jesus' name with a woman's name and would sound like a love song. However, some of those gripes could be boiled down simply to a matter of taste and poetic lisence.

How I see, and how I believe men see Jesus and God the Father is as a brother and father; a general and king. Men don't particularly want to 'fall in love' with Jesus, though they do love Him. They want to follow Jesus into battle, fight by his side and shed their blood for him. Intense devotion, honour, reverence and honesty is what men give to Jesus. They want to be like Him, sit at his feet and learn the ways of war; the ways of the divine bloodline they've been adopted into. They want to learn what is to love, passionately, fervently and honourably as their father and brother do. That is what I believe men see when they look at their relationship with Jesus. I don't believe the problem is affection. Some of the greatest men I know are very affectionate to their sons, brothers and fathers; not just their wives, mothers, sisters and daughters.

Of course, in saying all of this, I am aware that there are men who have no problem with this. No matter what is said or heard they know their relationship with God is one that transcends earthly comparison and they don't get drawn into the wrong context. However, these are all real feelings felt by men in the church and I hope in some way I have given voice to a discussion about these tensions.

If there is one thing that is universal in all this, it is the fact that we are each a unique expression of God and that gender is part of that unique make-up. Don't feel discouraged if there are things that don't make sense to you, simply go to the Word of God and the people of wisdom and meditate over what is spoken. Our relationship with God is always changing and progressing until the day we unite with Him in heaven.

God bless.


Many thanks to the 'Christian Men' group on the Art of Manliness website for inspiring this blog post.

Why I Am Not Going To Travel Yet

I've been seeing a lot of blogs lately telling young people to travel with the reasoning 'you may not have time later on in life'. That is a marginally true statement, but somewhat presumptuous.

I've been pondering lately why it is I don't really care much to travel even though most of my friends have traveled, are traveling or planning a trip. When people have asked why that is I am never satisfied with my own answer. I think I have one I am satisfied with now.

The world is beautiful and that is true, but what is far more deep, what is far more mysterious and often untouched is the human soul. I have found when talking to people about their traveling experiences they talk more about how the experience made them feel than the experience itself and I believe that is something I would prefer to share with someone than alone. If given the choice of exploring the rockies alone, a place I would really like to visit, and staying home in my little east coast corner of the state of New South Wales I would choose staying home, not because I am a home-body, but because I believe the best experiences are the ones that you share with those you care about. Perhaps this is easy for me to say because where I live I am surrounded by natural beauty, but I have found even the mundane is beautiful if you will take a moment to acknowledge the people around you.

The world is an amazing place, but if I was the last person on earth that beauty would be meaningless to me. I hear that some people travel to 'find themselves' and I have to be honest I don't know how they lost their body. I can understand wanting to leave and explore and get out of their small town with its monotonous routines, but I do not believe personal growth is a matter of location. This is where my real annoyance is directed.

To say that this time in my life is the only time of my life where I will be available to travel is a restricting assumption at best and completely devoid of context. The cliche 'life is too short' seems to me to be a phrase that is used by people who never enjoy the moment. Life is long, if you would just sit and enjoy the moments you have with the people you care about.

I will have my time to travel, and by no means am I saying 'don't travel' I am simply saying don't feel pressured or anxious because you are not. Be content, be patient and trust your decisions.