A Good Work

I find myself in a place where I am afraid to let God change me. I let Him do so much previously then I stepped out of it for reasons I am still frustrated with. What I have found coming back and putting myself in a position to be changed again, is that firstly God beyond gracious and secondly I have been left with a fear that I am going to 'screw it up' again.

God grew me out of a lot of stuff this past year and in my apathy I went back to some of it. When I did, I couldn't believe it; how is it that this renewed, saved, righteous person could do these self-destructive things? God was merciful, but not in the way I previously experienced. He gave me a stern warning, if I continued down this way I would regress; and in my eyes a regression of character and spirit is worse than death. I felt a finality to it; like this was a defining moment; a moment that would affect the rest of my life. Thank God I made the right decision.

I am finding that sometimes it is necessary to see the worst of yourself to realise how far God has brought you. He showed me that without Him I was lifeless shell, but with Him I was a prince in character, a warrior in prayer and an artist in worship.

'O my soul, you have said to the Lord,
“You are my Lord,
My goodness is nothing apart from You.”'
- Psalm 16:2

After I had soughted myself out with God, I found I had this hesitation. When I prayed, alone and with others, I wasn't full participating and fully engaging my spirit. I was apprehensive about reading the word, about praying and receiving from God. Had I lost my nerve? I remembered having a fire and passion; a desire to seek God, praise Him and worship Him; where had that gone? The truth was I was afraid and discouraged. The enemy loves to sow seeds of doubt, and when you have been cut-off from God for an extended period seeds can be sown and weeds can take root.

So I was afraid that I would fail. That I would strive and fight for purity and integrity and fail. The thing about failure is however, that it is part of a learning process. Though the pain of failure in these circumstances is often heart-breaking, but sometimes it is necessary for us to know our limits; and in the end our limitations bring us back to God. We need not lean on our own strength, understanding or strategy. The word of God, the strength of His Holy Spirit and the peace of His presence is enough; it is more than enough.

Discouragement is a form of despair. There was a thought of 'What's the point?', apathy and hesitation attatched to everything I did for God and I had no explanation as to why. I reflected and realised I thought I had gone back to my old ways. I had believed that all I had accomplished in the time beforehand was undone. I did not want to go back to where I was before God rewrote my life; I figured it was a one-off, and I blew it. This was half-true. I sinned and had gone back to my old habits, but I had not lost the progress I had made in my walk with God. I consider that grace beyond measure. God protects our relationship with Him more than we realise. I had seen and experienced so much of His glory and because of that there was so much to lose.

I was reading my bible as I often do when I am confused as to what I am feeling and going through, and I came across this verse:

'Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ...'
- Philipians 1:6

That's a promise. As long as we come back to God and repent and confess, no matter the pain or discomfort, we will see the changing power of God at work in our life. We all do things we regret, and most of the time we seek to hang on to those things. But God wants to remove them permanently. We can change and we will change because we believe in the God we serve.

'If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.'
- Mark 9:23

Room 335

I just watched a documentary called 'Andrew Jenkins: Room 335'. In the documentary three 19 year old boys move into an assisted living facility for the elderly and stay there for an entire summer.

I have never really taken into perspective what it was like for an elderly person until I watched this documentary. I never understood what is was to not be able to do simple activities and actions I take for granted. Stuff like playing Basketball, moving furniture; even activities that I rarely take up they are never able to do again. They can't help their families; they just sit and detiorate, with their best years behind them. If they're lucky, they still have their memories.

There was one scene in particular that cut to the core of me. The boys visited one of the elderly ladies who had been admitted to hospital; this particular lady they had gotten to know well. She was shaking, wheezing and gagging in a struggle to breath. The priest from the facility prayed over her as she struggled to hold her hands together in prayer. Then one of the boys knelt beside her and asked if he could pray for her. As he began to pray she managed to clasp her hands together and when he was done she managed to squeeze out, 'thank you'.

Needless to say, it left me in tears.

She was beautiful and fragile; on her last breath with her soul exposed like a nerve. Will I be so brave when my time is up?