Death and Legacy

I have heard that there comes a time in every man's life where he begins to think about legacy. A point in which he wonders about his offspring and looks back to where he has come from. That happened quite early for me and picked up speed when I reconnected with family that I had long been distant from. When I looked back I saw very little that was encouraging. The fear of history repeating itself was always present and this affected my perception of my future.

From as early as I could remember there had been a massive chasm between me and my father. I kept him at an arm's length and rarely spent time with him when I had the opportunity. My father had been sick all his life and was in and out of hospital. When he eventually passed I felt nothing, because to me there was nothing to begin with and I still have only speculation as to why that was; I will probably never know.
The loss of a father in a family can be felt years later. I've had a lot of men teach me and advise me through my life and they all have been enoucraging, empowering and loving. However, I've found no-one can replace a father. There is no-one who can change who and what you came from, and there is no-one that can counsel you better than your father.

I do miss him, or rather, I miss what we could have been. I missed out on a lot of father-son impartation. I wanted him to see me grow into a man, to see me marry and have a family.
Four months ago I dealt with a terrible anxiety daily. It was a feeling that would overwhelm and occupy my thoughts and cause my thinking to break down into a mess of neurotic paralysis. It was the single thought, almost a certainty, that either me or my spouse would not live to old age. That somehow, in some way one of us would not make it to the end and leave the other to raise the children alone. I couldn't out-think it. Logic wasn't enough; it was like trying to bring reason to insanity. So I prayed. Well, I prayed my way; I went out on a beach late at night and cried out to God and told Him my fear in the mess of my emotional state. And as He so loves to do he opened up my heart and showed me the root of my problem. God had dealt with so much in my life up to this point, I was unsure of what I would see.


After I had began talking to mum and discovering what my father was like, I began to see things come to the surface that I had no idea was there. Fears of abandonment, rejection and death would surface then God would deal with them. During a preach at a conference I was attending in Sydney I closed my eyes and had an image of a ghostly hand reaching into my chest and forcibly plucking something from my heart. I stayed awake all night crying in my bed, reliving the pain of every rejection I had encountered over and over until I could no longer cry and just stared at the ceiling. For the entirety of the conference I was a broken mess. Needless to say, my dignity was sacrificed for my healing. This was just the beginning however, of the undoing of a history of hurt.

On that beach it was revealed to me that my fear of death was coming out of the same wound. The loss and hardship that came with my father's death had marked me. I felt God's reassuring hand on my shoulder as He spoke. The words weren't disciplinary as I thought they would be, but edifying, encouraging and loving. My true Father, my Father in Heaven, has never left me and never will. He never neglects, mocks or berates us. He never sends us away from Him, is never too busy to listen and always ready to welcome us back should we run away. Why I hide from Him sometimes I don't understand and every time I come at his feet I find the punishment that was being afflicted was not from Him, but from myself. By this relationship I know that my future family is safe. It is so joyous to me to know such a thing that it brings tears to my eyes.

We may have lived lives plagued with hurt and regret, but I take heart because I know:

'...that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.' 

- Romans 8:28

I believe one of the most beautiful things God does it take the thing that put you in a prison and turn it into a key to release others from the same prison.

From not having a father, I know just how important a father is to a family. I have seen it taught how to lead a family by many examples, but there is one that stands above all others: the cross. To lay one's life down is the ultimate sacrifice. I don't know what trials I will face, but I know this, by the grace of God the pain, loss and suffering that has been my upbringing stops with me. I know my father is in heaven and that he is proud. What was lost will be redeemed.


If you have this kind of pain in your past I urge you, give your life over to God and see him turn your burden into a blessing.