Equilibrium.
I hate it.
Numb.
I loathe it.
I'd rather be one way or the other, as the pendulum I am then as this ridiculous exsistence where I sit the fence twiddling my thumbs.
The problem with all of this, the frustration, the self-gratification, the laziness, the content of mediocrity, is that I sit in it so comfortably. If I am down in the darkness, the light is easy to see, and if I'm amongst the light, it surrounds me.
But here... it is neither day or night, light nor dark.
It is this grey fog that I hate, this blindfold of false-contentment.
The worse part is that I keep this blindfold and final cigarette comfortably. I dare not take the blindfold off lest I see the firing squad.
I suppose, when your future feels like it's limbo, it's easy to just drift into a numbing sleep.
But see, a true guard never leaves his post. His commitment to his post, his duty not only affects him, but affects the people he's protecting...
This is something I am learning, firstly, what I do and don't do doesn't just affect me, but affects everyone around me. I have responsibilities, and though I downplay my worth sometimes, I know who sees and who follows. Secondly, the future is tomorrow, it's the next minute, the next moment. I deny it all the time, I say I have more time. But God does not live within time, nor does he look at time, he looks at me.
ALL OF THIS.
TELLS ME ONE THING.
I CAN NO LONGER DEPEND ON DOING THINGS FOR MYSELF FOR MOTIVATION.
THAT IS TOO CHEAP A FUEL FOR MY FIRE.
A WHITE HOT FIRE NEEDS GOD-BREATHED FUEL.
